My Best Life

I was in my early 30s when I was living my best life. I was accomplishing a lot in my career, I was in my best physical shape, and my relationship with my loving boyfriend was on the surface, healthy and happy.

Looking back, I see that I worked an excessive number of hours. I was neglecting all my relationships and my health. I was holding onto beliefs I had embraced when I was a child: I will never marry, I will never have kids, I will be independent, I will be fine without a man.

During my stint as a workaholic, my values were attached to where I worked, my title, and what praise I received from my managers. I had craved recognition my whole life and became addicted to obtaining a sense of love, acceptance and worth through professional achievements. That was the trajectory I was on.

Today, I look at my children and the immense joy I have with my family, the stronger and honest relationship with my husband, and I am so grateful that I was able to change my direction.

The Wake Up Call

My sociopathic tendencies were a running joke with my friends. The reality was that many times, I felt I felt nothing.

This emptiness eventually broke me. It forced me to look inward. I realized not only that people around me didn’t fully know me but also that I didn’t recognize who I was.  I saw mistakes I made, people I hurt, friendships I damaged. I noticed that no one had a complete version of myself. Even though my boyfriend had demonstrated true caring love for me, I was keeping an exit door by not getting married. I understood that my refusal to have children stemmed from my fear of not being able to protect them.

I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt but I was unconsciously hurting myself.

Moving Forward

Through meditation and journaling, I was able to embrace forgiveness for myself. I did the best I could with the tools I had, and my best is enough.

This was a critical concept for me. If I accept it for me, it must be valid for others. People do their best, even when they do terrible things.

I am not justifying violence. I am absolutely not saying that it’s ok to accept abuse.

I am saying that understanding that the people that hurt us, also come from a painful place, is an important piece of your experience for you to let it go. We need to release the painful experiences for our own healing.

I almost paid a high price for avoiding my past.

If you ignore your emotions, you are taking a big risk with your life. I can help you learn to manage and work with your emotions in a healthy way.

Are you willing to improve your odds?

Love

Celia

PS: You can try this meditation to start your forgiveness process